Categories
priest women

Tea with the Pastor

Ernie’s really on a roll:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl..
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
Categories
health italian marriage

MAMA MIA!

Ernie’s really on a roll:

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought it himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. ‘Get out of here!’ she shouted, ‘They’re for the funeral!’

Categories
health medicine retirement

Will I Live to be 80?

From Gina:

Some times you just have to ask yourself ” Will I live to be 80?”

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”
“No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He then looked at me and asked,

“Then why do you give a shit?

Categories
cat dog marriage men women

Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

————————————————————
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
————————————————————
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Categories
marriage men women

Divorce, Marriage, Weddings …

Finally after a drought, one from Edel, it’s actually a whole bunch of jokes in one e-mail but I’m going to break it up over a few postings.

———————————————————————-

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.


He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
———————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:


Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
———————————————————————-
For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.
———————————————————————
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

Categories
men

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

And another from Ernie! He’s really sending out the jokes recently:

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a wh ite T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal . You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for th e slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Categories
funny work

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

And another from Ernie!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Smuggling Diamonds’

7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’

Continue reading “20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity”
Categories
kids sex

Baby Planes

One from Ernie:
A mother and her small son were flying Southwest Airlines from Dallas to Houston. The son (who had been looking out the window), turned to his mother and asked,

“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer), told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the  stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?” The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes at Southwest because Southwest always pulls out on time –now let your mother explain that to you.”

Categories
italian police

Tomato Garden

This one’s from Edel, I’m pretty sure I saw this one before except the main characters are Irish.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He  wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was  hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old  man wrote a letter to his son and described his  predicament.

[] Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty  badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this  year. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be  happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he  received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that  garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

Love,  Vinnie

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning F.B.I. agents and local  police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man  received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead  and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the  circumstances.

Love you,  Vinnie

Categories
american old retirement

Where to live after Retirement?

From Ernie:

You could live in Phoenix Arizona where…..
1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You ‘ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that ‘dry heat’ is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You could Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather
than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Continue reading “Where to live after Retirement?”