From Ernie:
Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds”.
In view of current events in the banking market,
does that refer to me, or to you?
Categories
From Ernie:
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
A great one from Edel!
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.
Israeli doctor says “We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months.”
English doctor says “We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!”
Irish doctor says “We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months…”
Categories
Serenity or Senility
And another from Ernie!
1- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me.’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’
2- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
3- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’
4- I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
5- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Categories
And another great one from Ernie! And I tink it will make you smile. 😉
You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Categories
Buying a Fishing Rod
From Ernie:
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, ” Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything youneed to know about it from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404Â reel and 5-kg. test line. It’s a good all around combination,and it’s on sale this week for $44.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’lltake it!” As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh ,that sounds like a Visa card,” says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $58.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $44?. How did you get to $58.50?”
“The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.” he replys.
A good one from Ernie! I heard of version of this years ago where a lad’s in a bar and does to the barman (bartender) what Grandpa does to the auditor.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
bout it!’
Don’t Mess with Old People!!
From Ernie:
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William’s dad took him aside.
“Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said, ‘Yes!’ We’re getting married in June!”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
Categories
Paddy Sex Jokes …
More bad Irish Jokes from Edel (and she’s Irish too!):
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on?’
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’
Keep your eyes on Bill
Sorry, Bill, I’d rather kiss my new boss!
Funny indeed! But if you look closely it looks like this video was edited by someone to make it look like this happened.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/05/hillary-kiss