And from Ciaran Mc a whole bunch of wans just for St Paddy’s Day:
Author: thejoker
This one is from Ravi:
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all downFinally, the guys’ side of the story.( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)We always hear “the rules” from the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
- Let us be clear on this one:
- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
- Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Ilya sent me this! I’m not posting the original file he sent me, but someone put this copy on YouTube! It appears to be an advertising for a UK site call LittleWoods Direct.
And another from Brendan!
Most men will get this right!
You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, with double lines, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 21 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Click below for the solution! (Slightly NSFW).
This one’s from Ernie, he sure does like his political jokes:
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
“Steve,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?”
And from Jeannie!
‘SENIOR’ EYE TEST
HILARIOUS! (and I did see sheep..at first. Then I looked closer to see if I recognized anyone!)
Eye test for those over 40
If you wondering where the pic came from originally, I’d say it was take by Spencer Tunick
And you can read more about him on Wikipedia .
And from Jeannie! The title isn’t mine, it’s from the original e-mail. Hmmm, can I make the font bigger? 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940’s, 50’s, 60’s 70’s
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van – loose – was always exciting and great fun.
We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank cordial with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
An oldie, but a goodie from Gina!
DOG DIARY
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I fear I may be going insane.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation –
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’