Category: women

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Her Fourth Husband!

From Ernie:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

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dog marriage women

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

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irish men sex women

Paddy’s chat up lines

From Edel:

  1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
  2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
  3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
  4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
  5. Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
  6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
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marriage men sex women

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

  1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home,  who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
  2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
  3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
  4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed  and who likes to be with you.
  5. It’s very, very important that these four women  do not know each other.
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men women

Apple does it again!

A great one from Norm!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Original Post at “Apple Does it Again!“

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american men women

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is …

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men women

Nag, Nag, Nag – one of the best

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on……..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a

stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!

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funny men wisedom women

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:

half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:

well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain:

very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:

gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:

has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-
preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet:

wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

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food kids sex women

What’s in a name?

Thanks Ernie, another great funny one:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy..’

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.

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american blonde women

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist