Categories
dead men

Cooter and Gomer.

From Ernie:

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,  Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.’

The mortician rolls him over and Cooter says, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley .’

The mortician thinks this is rather strange, so he brings Gomer in to  confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looks at the body and says, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley ‘

The mortician asks, ‘How can you tell?’

Gomer says, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’

‘What?  He had two assholes?’ asks the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:

Continue reading “Cooter and Gomer.”

Categories
marriage men sex women

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

  1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home,  who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
  2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
  3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
  4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed  and who likes to be with you.
  5. It’s very, very important that these four women  do not know each other.
Categories
men women

Apple does it again!

A great one from Norm!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Original Post at “Apple Does it Again!“

Categories
american men women

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is …

Continue reading “Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……”

Categories
drink

Wine …

Wine does not make you FAT

it makes you LEAN…………..

Continue reading “Wine …”
Categories
men women

Nag, Nag, Nag – one of the best

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on……..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a

stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!

Categories
Australian ill medicine

Coincidence or not?

Funny one from Jeannie!

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse…….. next year……

Continue reading “Coincidence or not?”
Categories
kids nuns religion school

Catholic Education

From Edel:

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
‘Well, then,’ she replied, ‘Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said,

‘On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

Categories
funny men wisedom women

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:

half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:

well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain:

very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:

gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:

has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-
preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet:

wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Categories
animals Dutch image

Crasher Squirrel

Have you heard of Crasher Squirrel? This squirrel was first shown on National Geographic’s site. A couple in a National Park in Canada had set up the timer on their camera to take a photograph of themselves, and up pops a squirrel right when the pic was taken! See the original photograph at National Geographic’s site:

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/your-shot/daily-dozen?startgallery=116&image=9

This started a whole meme of pics starring the squirrel as seen at buzzfeed. Well, here’s our version! It’s the Crasher Squirrel crashing the Nightwatch, a famous painting by Rembrandt.

The Nightwatch by Rembrandt with Crasher Squirrel

Thanks to Wikipedia for the picture, and to the squirrel for being in the right place at the right time!