An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses.
He said no but he had told a donkey to f ** k off once.
Another man-basher joke from Ernie! I mean Ernie how could you! 😉
- Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
- Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are
- Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
- Men are like Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
- Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Ernie sent me this one, I think our female readers will enjoy it!
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY?
Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
From Ernie!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.
‘Nooo, no, I’ll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,’ the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel?’
And a funny “gotcha” joke from Jeannie! First one from here a while. Sorry about the ALLCAPS, but that’s how it arrived! 🙂
LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
Categories
The Hypnotist…oh my
From Edel:
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
“I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch.”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces …
“SHIT”
said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !
From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..
Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
From Ernie:
Lovemaking Tips for Oldsters
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes — in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF and close the shades)
4. Make sure you put 9-1-1 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
From Edel:
A man called home to his wife and said, “ Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .
We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office I will swing by the house to pick my things up”
” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. “
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer…
From Ernie:
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.