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american drink naked priest religion

Pastor

From Ilya:

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked,

“May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied,

“I really don’t think you should.”

The pastor asked,

“Why not? I really need to use a restroom!”

“Well, I don’t think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she’s only covered by a fig leaf!”

The pastor replied,

“Nonsense, I’ll look the other way!”

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said,

“Sir, I don’t understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again.”

“Well, now you’re one of us!”

said the bartender.

“Would you like a drink too?”

“But, I still don’t understand,”

said the puzzled pastor.

“You see,”

laughed the bartender,

“every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?”

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men naked sex women

How to treat a woman or a man.

From Ernie:

How to treat a woman:
Wine her.  Dine her.  Call her. Hold her.  Surprise her. Compliment her.  Smile at her.  Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.  Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her.  Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.  Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How to Treat a Man::

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don’t block the TV.
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american fortune funny old one-liners quote

Chris Columbus

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.”
— Mark Twain

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drink family funny irish

Irish whiskey

From Ilya:

This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says,

“You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.”

The other gentleman replies,

“No, I prefer it this way. See, I’m very close to my two brothers. They’re both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.”

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He’s gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.

“Is everything alright?”

the bartender asked.

“What do you mean?”

replied the gentleman. The bartender said,

“Well, all these months you’ve ordered three drinks. Now you’ve only ordered two. Something didn’t happen to one of your brothers, did it?”

“No, they’re okay. It’s just that I quit drinking.”

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drink funny irish marriage men religion sex women

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
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irish tasteless

Crisis as Dublin Floods

More from Edel! There’s been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:

Finglas was hit badly by the  floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering  ‘ Whaas da bleeeding Story ?’ ‘aaaaaawright bud’ and ‘fuuuucksake’.

The  flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were  damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.

Many  locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.

RTE News reported  that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to  the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal  means.

One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said  ‘It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta  me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin  shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin’

Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.

The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and  John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are  still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal  belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of  Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from  Elizabeth Duke at Argos also  Fine Bone China from Tommy’s Wonderland of Value.

This Appeal is to raise  money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up  in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed  include:

  • Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
  • Hoodies (any type)
  • Tommy Hilfiger Tracks Suits (his and hers)
  • Nike/Adidas Shell Suits  (female)
  • White Donnay Sports Socks Rockport Boots (and any other items  usually sold in TK Maxx)
  • Anything from Magic or Unique
  • Food Parcels may  be harder to come by as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the  same.

Required Foodstuffs include:

  • McCains Oven Chips
  • Heinz Baked  Beans
  • Goodfellas Frozen Pizzas
  • Coke/Fanta
  • Strongbow Cider
  • Smirnoff Ice
  • John Player Blue 15s

And Remember That Your Cash  Contribution Also Counts !!!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the  compensation forms and Bookies slips
Just 5 euro buys chips, crisps and blue  fizzy drinks for a family of 9
Only 6 euro will pay for a packet of 20 Major  to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

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american government politics

‘Walking Eagle’

From Edel:

‘Walking Eagle’ – Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed ‘YES’ for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his ‘red sisters and brothers’.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name – Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

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marriage old religion

The Silent Fart …

From Edel:

An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ‘ I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?’

He replies ‘ Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

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funny riddle

Riddles!

And some riddles from Ernie:

These ARE THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE EVER SEEN….THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER’S FOR YEARS!!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Fin ally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Give it a good try before you look at the answers.

Continue reading “Riddles!”
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american government politics

Psalm 2004

I forget who sent me this one:

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies’ sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
He makest me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt:
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his
administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever