Author: thejoker
And from Tom R:
We here in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman, who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?
Categories
My dog!
I have a dog; I named him Stay.
So when I’d go to call him, I’d say,
“Here, Stay, here…” but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.
— Steven Wright
And from Ernie:
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78
At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
From Diane:
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ….. PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
From Edel:
A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?â€
“Yes darling, of course you are.†his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?â€
“Yes dear,†his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.â€
“Are you POSITIVE?â€
“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?â€
“Cause I’m f**king freezing!”
And one from Diane!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’
he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’
he hollered into the bathroom,
‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied …
‘It’s not talcum powder…It’s ‘Miracle Grow‘
Categories
A Donegal Dictionary
Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! 🙂 And Edel sent it too!
A……….I
Aul……. Old
Aul Boy….Father
Aul Doll…Mother
Aye……..Yes
Bother…..Hassle
Canny……Cannot
Class…. .Good/Great
Dinny……Don’t
Doll……Girl or woman
Foundered .Extremely cold
Fray……From
Gan…….Going
Gaff……House/flat
Geesa…..Give me a
Gissa…..Girl
Glack……..Good luck………..Good bye
Gon…….Please
Hanlin….Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi……..Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay…….Have
Hey?……Phrased as a question meaning what
Juck……Boy or Man
Ker………… Car
Lock……Small amount of something
Mind……To remember
Mon…….Come on
Naw…….No
Nuance….Unusual
Pure……very
Purdies…Potatoes
Rare……strange or unusual
Staish….Oh wow or Look
Thon……That
Tight…..Cruel
Wan…….One or 1
Wan…….Refering to a person. E.g. “Look at that wan there”
Wee…….Small
Weins…..Babies or children
Well……Hello
Wile……Very or Terrible
Yes…….Hello
Yis Sir…Slang, Hello
Yes Horse……..Hello to someone u like
Yock……… different types of ladies
Potahto’ Pictures Productions Presents:
THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day McDonald’s restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl ‘tater) who will give birth to the world’s largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly behind this). Most quotable line: “Ah’ll be baked…”
A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, rides into a town that’s deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and general butter-melting by all.
FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter Cronkite, as every man’s common ‘tater!
And and oldie from Edel:
Dusting
NOW, when people visit, I don’t have to explain the “condition” of my home .
They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice Life is short. Enjoy it!
Remember…a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.
“A house becomes a home when you can write “I love you” on the furniture“.
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect – “in case someone came over”. Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!NOW, when people visit, I don’t have to explain the “condition” of my home .
They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must . . . but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need!
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time … with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes,the wind in your hair,a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must,but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. . .
And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!
And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful friends in your life.
I JUST DID.
It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.