From Ernie:
Two little old Ladies were attending a church service.
One leaded over and whispered:
“My butt’s gone to sleep”.
“I know” replied her companion,
“I heard it snore three times”.
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Author: thejoker
From Ernie:
1 • TRANSFUSIONS: American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
…Just thought you’d like to know.
2 • CONFESSIONAL: An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I’m Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m telling everybody!
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Virus
Funny posting about the Conficker virus (note the highlighted letters in bold):
If your concerned about the virus, follow Microsoft’s instructions here:
http://www.microsoft.com/technet/security/Bulletin/MS08-067.mspx
Basically, download the patch for the version of Windows that you have and install it.
Or try Symantec”s Conficker removal tool:
http://www.symantec.com/content/en/us/global/removal_tool/threat_writeups/FixDwndp.exe
From Ernie:
1 – Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
2 – A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
3 – ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
4 – A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
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THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
From Ernie:
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent’. In tears, she sobbed, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
From Dora:
A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to:
God, USA
They decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy …
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
From Ernie:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Via Kevin, and some smart lads, some sheep, and some talented sheepdogs:
And the best version of Danny Boy ever:
From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it’s current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:
Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/