Category: women

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marriage men women

Never lie to a woman (especially your wife)

From Edel:

A man called home to his wife and said, “ Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office I will swing by the house to pick my things up”

” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. “

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?”

You’ll love the answer…

Continue reading “Never lie to a woman (especially your wife)”

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marriage men women

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

From Ernie:

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.

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marriage men women

Bride and the Credit Card

From Edel:

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Categories
marriage men women

Old man and the Wizard

And more from Edel:

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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men women

APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT

Whom do you think this is from? Well Ernie of course! 🙂

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts….. and not listening to them.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/22/apple-announcement

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marriage men naked women

Two ways to shower

From Ernie!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

Continue reading “Two ways to shower”

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health sport women

WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

From Ernie:

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________

__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

Continue reading “WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM”
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american men women

158 years ago…

From Ernie:

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

  • California became a state.
  • The State had no electricity.
  • The State had no money.
  • Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
  • There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn’t hold hands.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/07/158-years-ago

Categories
men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

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marriage men women

Men Strike Back

From Ernie:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-

Continue reading “Men Strike Back”