And more from Edel:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
Whom do you think this is from? Well Ernie of course! 🙂
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts….. and not listening to them.
From Ernie!
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
From Ernie:
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn’t hold hands.
And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:
If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”
“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.
“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”
And the first one from Adriana:
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers’ superior intellect).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
Looks like this came from http://www.bl.com/ben/things/engineers2.html
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/15/three-lawyers-and-three-engineers-on-a-train/
From Ernie:
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-
Ernie keeps rolling them out:
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Now Gerry’s sending me jokes too:
He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/11/24/he-said-i-saidhe-said-i-said/
And more from Ernie!