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animals family funny one-liners sex

Dad at the Mall …

The version of this I heard as a kid, involved Grand-dad on a bus, a punk, and the punchline had a parrot … anyways thanks to Diane for the joke!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son …

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/10/dad-at-the-mall

Categories
blonde sex

The young blonde

And another from Ernie:

A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Cape Cod Bourne Bridge. She was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.He took pity on her and said “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe … I’ll take good care of you and bring you food everyday”.

“How can I repay you for such kindness” she asked. “Just let me make love to you each night…”

The blonde agreed.  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, whose stowed me away”
she explained “I get food and free passage to Europe and he’s screwing me”.

"He certainly is", the captain said.

"This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."

Categories
priest religion

The Pastor’s Ass

From Edel:

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

Continue reading “The Pastor’s Ass”

Categories
family

From Ernie:
A nice old story that will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk… Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

‘And always remember this thing,’ she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’

‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.

Continue reading “”
Categories
american animals politics

Two Crocodiles …

From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about ‘gators! 🙂

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’

‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’

‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.

‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’

‘Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.’

‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’

‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’

‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

Categories
marriage men naked women

Two ways to shower

From Ernie!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

Continue reading “Two ways to shower”

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health sport women

WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

From Ernie:

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________

__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

Continue reading “WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM”
Categories
old

Benefits of being 50+

And another from Edel!

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh…..it is all true…

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

Continue reading “Benefits of being 50+”

Categories
american men women

158 years ago…

From Ernie:

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

  • California became a state.
  • The State had no electricity.
  • The State had no money.
  • Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
  • There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn’t hold hands.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/07/158-years-ago

Categories
men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/