And another from Ernie!
1- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me.’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’
2- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
3- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’
4- I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
5- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
6- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’
7- My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be
8- Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ Slim said, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby?’ ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
9- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
10- A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty’, he replied.
11- It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
12- An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’ The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
13- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’
14- THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
15- Always Remember This: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing