The Black Bra
From Ernie:
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said.
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
Quiz Show Fail!
From Edel! Epic fail bad answers to questions asked on (mainly British) TV and Radio quizzes. To get some of these, you'll need to be British, or understand British culture. To get some of the others, you'll need to know a bit of general knowledge! 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . .. . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with "What A Wonderful World"?
Contestant: I don't know..
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Letter to the Bank
From Ernie:
Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of current events in the banking market,
does that refer to me, or to you?
The 85 year old
From Ernie:
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Medical Conditions …
A great one from Edel!
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.
Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."
English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"
Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."
Serenity or Senility
And another from Ernie!
1- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
2- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
3- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
4- I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
5- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
And another great one from Ernie! And I tink it will make you smile.
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Buying a Fishing Rod
From Ernie:
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, " Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything youneed to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'lltake it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh ,that sounds like a Visa card," says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44?. How did you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50." he replys.
Don’t mess with Grandpa!
A good one from Ernie! I heard of version of this years ago where a lad's in a bar and does to the barman (bartender) what Grandpa does to the auditor.