All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

22Jul/080

Psalm 2004

I forget who sent me this one:

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
He makest me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt:
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his
administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever

22Jul/080

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET

And a great one all the from Gina in Florida:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

7Jul/081

You gotta love a good nurse…

From Edel:

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

5Jul/081

The Dole

From Edel, I think this joke came from Amerika as it mentions welfare (which they don't call it that in Ireland) and someone modified it for their Irish friend:

At the dole office in New Ross a local traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is ˆ200,000 a year.'

The Traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ' you’re bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well you started it.'

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/07/05/the-dole/

5Jul/080

The Other Stall

And from Ernie:

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know wh at got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'


And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another que stion.
'Can I come over?'


Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'


Then I hear the person say
nervously....


'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

1Jul/080

Today’s fortune

From Ilya:

Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1990's?

A: In the 90's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly,

"I'd like some condoms"

And then, leaning over the counter, whispers,

"and some cigarettes"