All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

30Oct/080

Doctor Says….

And another great one from Ernie!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Manchester...

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

  • Red meat is awful.
  • Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
  • Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
  • High fat diets can be disastrous.
  • None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

27Oct/080

Sarah Palin Meets the Pope …

I tend to stay away from political jokes but I thought this was a funny one from Ernie:

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice.

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.

They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard.

She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

“Palin Can’t Swim.”

23Oct/083

Save Energy

And another one (with an Irish emphasis) from Edel:

A Chara,

Due to recent economic conditions, and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, we regret to announce that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Sorry for any inconvenience.
Regards,
Eamon Ryan
Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/10/23/save-energy/

23Oct/080

Jesus goes into a bar

Here's a bit of a sacrilegious one from Edel. It's a very Irish themed joke, to really get the punchline you have to know that Tallaght is a working class suburb of Dublin.

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks.  Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

20Oct/080

Obama & Sarah’s secret

A funny ironic one from Diz:

Obama & Sarah ballroom dancing

Obama & Sarah ballroom dancing

Great photo-shopping job whomever created this! 🙂 Anyone know where the original image came from?

18Oct/080

Jokes ….

And even more from Edel:
------------------------------------------------------------

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.
------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

16Oct/080

Group therapy

Is Ernie the only person who get's e-mailed jokes? Anyway, where another great joke from Ernie:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.
16Oct/080

Horse Potty

And another great joke from Ernie! This must be the anti-blonde blonde joke!

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move. 'You know,' he says, 'I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk.'

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

'What would you like to discuss?'

'Oh, I don't know,' says the guy. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' says the blonde. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes  little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, 'I haven't the slightest idea.'

'So tell me,' says the blonde, 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit.'

13Oct/080

Halloween Joke!

Is Ernie the only person who forwards jokes these days? Here's the first Halloween joke of the year! 🙂

A Man was walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP BUMP BUMP Terrified, The man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER.....
FASTER...
FASTER....
BUMP.
BUMP
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.. CLAPPITY-BUMP CLAPPITY-BUMP CLAPPITY-BUMP On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing up the stairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. BUMPING and CLAPPING toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something...anything....but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket.....
And [hopefully you are ready for this]

9Oct/081

And that’s how the fight started….

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....
And that's how the fight started....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.....