All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

20Dec/090

“Hollywood Squares”…

From Ernie!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

6Dec/090

Paddy’s chat up lines

From Edel:

  1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
  2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
  3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
  4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
  5. Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
  6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
6Dec/090

Cooter and Gomer.

From Ernie:

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,  Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolls him over and Cooter says, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thinks this is rather strange, so he brings Gomer in to  confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looks at the body and says, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asks, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer says, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What?  He had two assholes?' asks the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

5Dec/090

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

  1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,  who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
  2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
  3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
  4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed  and who likes to be with you.
  5. It's very, very important that these four women  do not know each other.
4Dec/090

Apple does it again!

A great one from Norm!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Original Post at "Apple Does it Again!"

1Dec/090

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is ...