All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

25Mar/130

The Deaf Wife Problem

From Ernie:

Sherm feared his wife Phyllis wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he phoned the family Doctor to discuss the problem.  The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Phyllis , what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Phyllis , what's for dinner?'

6Feb/130

Those New Yorkers!

From Ernie:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the Captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

12Jun/120

The Ballerina!

Thanks to Ernie for this great joke!

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

13Feb/120

Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had...

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

23Dec/110

Out Drinking …

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".

He said

19Nov/110

Did you know …

From Ernie:

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

30Jun/110

When I Die Sell All My Stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff.."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"

29May/110

Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

12May/110

A little late…..

This is cute..........even if you are a democrat or republican.

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Dubya said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Dubya said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

George was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

9Apr/110

Amazing Simple Home Remedies!

Another great one from Ernie! 🙂

These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It's For Real!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn't Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn't Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can'T Fix It With A Hammer, You'Ve Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/