Out Drinking …
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".
He said
Did you know …
From Ernie:
I did not know this...
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
When I Die Sell All My Stuff
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff.."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"
Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
A little late…..
This is cute..........even if you are a democrat or republican.
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Dubya said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Dubya said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'
George was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.
Amazing Simple Home Remedies!
Another great one from Ernie! 
These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It's For Real!
Amazing Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn't Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn't Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can'T Fix It With A Hammer, You'Ve Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/
Lawyer Joke
Another cracker from Ernie. Is this really the best lawyer joke of all time?
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way ?'
The lawyer looks steadily at him for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
The lawyer nods slowly 'Of course you didn't, but it's the truth. So tell me this . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Original posting at http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/03/29/lawyer-joke/
How to sell toothbrushes.
From Ernie:
The kids filed back into class Monday morning .. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained
To everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
A letter from Home
From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled "An Irish Mother's letter to her son". My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read f a st. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom
Morning Sex
This is one of the funniest jokes I've received in a while. Thanks for the Ernie!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained,