I have a dog; I named him Stay.
So when I'd go to call him, I'd say,
"Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.
-- Steven Wright
And from Ernie:
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???
And from Brendan:
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says "how you doin?"
Paddy says " do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says "your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you ".
They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?"
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ..... PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes darling, of course you are.” his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?”
“Yes dear,” his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.”
“Are you POSITIVE?”
“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?”
"Cause I’m f**king freezing!"
And one from Diane!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??'
he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
he hollered into the bathroom,
'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ...
'It's not talcum powder...It's 'Miracle Grow'
Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! 🙂 And Edel sent it too!