All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

31May/080

My dog!

I have a dog; I named him Stay.

So when I'd go to call him, I'd say,

"Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.

-- Steven Wright

30May/080

Woman’s Life Cycle

And from Ernie:

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

19May/082

Irish ingenuity when it comes to women

And from Brendan:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says "how you doin?"
Paddy says " do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says "your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you ".
They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?"

15May/080

AAADD

From Diane:

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ..... PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

13May/080

Am I a Polar Bear?

From Edel:

A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes darling, of course you are.” his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?”
“Yes dear,” his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.”
“Are you POSITIVE?”

“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?”

"Cause I’m f**king freezing!"

8May/080

Underwear Dust

And one from Diane!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this??'

he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,'

he hollered into the bathroom,

'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...

'It's not talcum powder...It's 'Miracle Grow'

1May/080

A Donegal Dictionary

Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! 🙂 And Edel sent it too!

A..........I
Aul....... Old
Aul Boy....Father
Aul Doll...Mother
Aye........Yes
Bother.....Hassle
Canny......Cannot
Class.... .Good/Great
Dinny......Don’t
Doll......Girl or woman
Foundered .Extremely cold
Fray......From
Gan.......Going
Gaff......House/flat
Geesa.....Give me a
Gissa.....Girl
Glack........Good luck...........Good bye
Gon.......Please
Hanlin....Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi........Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay.......Have
Hey?......Phrased as a question meaning what
Juck......Boy or Man
Ker............ Car
Lock......Small amount of something
Mind......To remember
Mon.......Come on
Naw.......No
Nuance....Unusual
Pure......very
Purdies...Potatoes
Rare......strange or unusual
Staish....Oh wow or Look
Thon......That
Tight.....Cruel
Wan.......One or 1
Wan.......Refering to a person. E.g. "Look at that wan there"
Wee.......Small
Weins.....Babies or children
Well......Hello
Wile......Very or Terrible
Yes.......Hello
Yis Sir...Slang, Hello
Yes Horse........Hello to someone u like
Yock......... different types of ladies