Categories
funny

First Time …

A funny teenage love story from Ernie:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

Continue reading “First Time …”
Categories
american old politics

You betcha don’t ya know!

Tom likes his political jokes!

Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is  going to show there is no animosity about losing the election.
She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip.
She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt  party.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/05/you-betcha-dont-ya-know

Categories
family italian

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

More from Ernie!

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/02/who-is-jack-schittwho-is-jack-schitt/

Categories
marriage men women

Men Strike Back

From Ernie:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-

Continue reading “Men Strike Back”

Categories
funny tasteless

A Fart …

And a wee poem from Edel, I’m almost sure I’ve seen this one before?

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song……

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While  others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while……

A  fart can occur
In  a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget…….
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye – doesn’t it?
Have a Good  DAY!

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/01/a-fart

Categories
american

Thanksgiving

From Gina:

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Categories
american blonde family food

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

I was away over Thanksgiving and missed all the Thanksgiving jokes that! So better late than never, here the first Thanksgiving joke from, who else but Ernie!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, ‘Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!

‘At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep………………

SHE’S BLONDE!

Categories
american drink men women

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Ernie keeps rolling them out:

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

Continue reading “THE BOTTLE OF WINE”
Categories
marriage men sex women

He Said, I Said …

Now Gerry’s sending me jokes too:

He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/11/24/he-said-i-saidhe-said-i-said/

Categories
american family men naked old sex

One Bad Biker

And more from Ernie!

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!” 

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. 
The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” 
The biker’s buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. 
The drunk leans over one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” 
At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, go home, you’re drunk!”