All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

2Oct/110

How To Drive In Jersey ….

This one is from Ernie, and this is exactly as I received it (messed up fonts included), and it must be old; who uses MapQuest anymore? ;). Anyhow, this does sound a lot like driving around the Boston area, or probably any metropolitan area in the US!

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:
A horn and a middle finger.  Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.  For those who haven't traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid,,,, Be Very Afraid.
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark.  Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM.   Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110.  Anything less is considered "Sissy.." (Just ask the former Governor of NJ)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules.   For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;  the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone.  EVER !  Seriously.  It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey ...  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does NOT work here - none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.   
10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered  a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.  If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time - just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
SAFE DRIVING ! ! !
24Nov/080

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Ernie keeps rolling them out:

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

15Mar/080

Traffic Question?

And another from Brendan!

Most men will get this right!
You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, with double lines, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 21 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Click below for the solution! (Slightly NSFW).

19Feb/080

Women Drivers……..a man’s view !!!

This one's from Edel:

Driving to the office this morning on the M-50 , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make up but drifting halfway into my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the cheese roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell in to the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!