When I Die Sell All My Stuff
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff.."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"
Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Amazing Simple Home Remedies!
Another great one from Ernie! 
These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It's For Real!
Amazing Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn't Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn't Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can'T Fix It With A Hammer, You'Ve Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/
Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
She replied...
'Your horse called.'
3 Old Grannies!
Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million euro!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Her Fourth Husband!
From Ernie:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
Paddy’s chat up lines
From Edel:
- Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
- Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
- My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
- Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
- Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
- You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Cooter and Gomer.
From Ernie:
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolls him over and Cooter says, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thinks this is rather strange, so he brings Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looks at the body and says, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asks, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer says, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asks the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
- It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
- It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
- It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
- It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.