From Ernie!

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Continue Reading »

Great one from Ernie:

And the Number One Country& Western song is … Continue Reading »

Edel likes dogs, and jokes!

A little girl asked her Mom, ‘Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mom replies, ‘No, because she is in heat.’

‘What’s that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’

The little girl goes to the garage and says, ‘Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you.’

Dad said, ‘Bring Belle over here.’ He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog ‘s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, ‘OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Belle?’

( YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! ! )

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home’

If you ain’t laffin’… You ain’t livin’.

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist

I agree with the Southern Lady, thanks Ernie:

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”…

Another from Ernie!

The old Chief calmly replied, ‘ Vietnam’.

Another great joke from Ernie, I doubt if this really happened at Harley Davidson, but it’s funny.

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week?’

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, ‘I make $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO then took out his wallet, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT OF HERE and don’t come back.’

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? ‘

From across the room came a voice: Continue Reading »

From Ernie:

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

“My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Gary Bauer and Neil Cavuto.”

If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

From Ernie:
1 – Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

2 – A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

3 – ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

4 – A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ Continue Reading »

From Dora:

A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to:

God, USA

They decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy …

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.