A great one from Norm!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Original Post at “Apple Does it Again!“
From Ernie:
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully…
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.? After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:
If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”
“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.
“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”