All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

20Jan/090

NorDakotaCows

Another from Ernie!

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.  He is in need of a new milk  cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.  He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner,  Ole decides to buy the cow.When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,

'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says,

'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.  Ole replies,

'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says,

'My wife is from Nordakota'

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/20/nordakotacows

2Jan/090

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How are things, Eve?", He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are tight. I'll fix that up right away!" and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see, where did I leave that useless boob?"

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

16Oct/080

Horse Potty

And another great joke from Ernie! This must be the anti-blonde blonde joke!

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move. 'You know,' he says, 'I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk.'

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

'What would you like to discuss?'

'Oh, I don't know,' says the guy. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' says the blonde. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes  little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, 'I haven't the slightest idea.'

'So tell me,' says the blonde, 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit.'