A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the Captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
From Edel! Epic fail bad answers to questions asked on (mainly British) TV and Radio quizzes. To get some of these, you'll need to be British, or understand British culture. To get some of the others, you'll need to know a bit of general knowledge! 😉
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . .. . Kor . . .
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.. The past participle of run . . .
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with "What A Wonderful World"?
Contestant: I don't know..
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
A great one from Ernie:
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?'
'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'
'Oh, really! What'd he say?'