All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

27Jan/130

Golf Course Changing Room

From Ilya:

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
...

It's only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70, 000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950, 000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

1Dec/090

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is ...

8Sep/080

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

And another from Ernie! He's really sending out the jokes recently:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a wh ite T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal . You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for th e slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

5Jul/080

The Other Stall

And from Ernie:

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know wh at got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'


And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another que stion.
'Can I come over?'


Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'


Then I hear the person say
nervously....


'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

21Feb/080

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

She asked.

Hunting Flies

He responded.

Oh! Killing any?

She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,

he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

How can you tell them apart?

He responded

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!

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