All those Jokes that people send me All those crappy jokes that people e-mail me

17Jan/110

The Lady is a Tramp

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 Player.

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1Dec/090

Top Ten Country & Western Songs are……

Great one from Ernie:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country& Western song is ...

25Jan/090

10 things NOT to say to the cops!

Some fine advise from Ernie:

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  8. I pay your salary!
2Jan/090

Alcohol

From Ernie:

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/alcohol/

2Dec/080

Men Strike Back

From Ernie:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the
kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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18Jun/081

Amen!

And from Tom R:

We here in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman, who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?

10Apr/081

Drinking rules

And from Ilya, all about the rules of the pub:

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

3Mar/080

What ever office needs.

Beer Cooler. Heineken copyright by Heineken, NL.

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22Feb/080

Retirement Planning

From Dora:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Let people you care about know... and tell them to Start Now!!!

22Feb/080

Warning!

Warning

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you're boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!

All I can say, is thank God it's Friday! 🙂