Medical Conditions …

A great one from Edel!

Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.

Israeli doctor says “We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months.”

English doctor says “We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!”

Irish doctor says “We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months…”

12 / February / 2009  english, irish, medicine, work  Comentarios (0)

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

And the first one from Gerry, with a load of English specific jokes:

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. ‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.  ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The assistant replied, ‘ I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said. The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place

A lorry (truck) driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead. ‘Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver,  ‘Got stuck, eh?’ The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol (gas)!’

(more…)

19 / September / 2008  english, funny, police, school, sex  Comentarios (0)

TODAYS IDIOTS

And from Edel, supposedly a whole bunch of silly, wrong, or incorrect answers given by contestants on various British & Irish radio & television quiz shows.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re..?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France ..
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris

(more…)

18 / March / 2008  british, english, funny, irish, radio  Comentarios (0)

When husband’s buy the wrong gift!

Ilya sent me this! I’m not posting the original file he sent me, but someone put this copy on YouTube! It appears to be an advertising for a UK site call LittleWoods Direct.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar – The Complete Adventures

From Liz! From “That Mitchell and Webb Look” and comedy show on British TV:

8 / March / 2008  british, drink, english, video  Comentarios (0)

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

And another from Norm. I’ve seen this one a few times before, and it’s not by John Cleese, someone, somewhere, just added his name to this to make it funnier. However, it actually is kinda funny, and highlights some of the differences (and imaginary differences) between the US and the UK. Well here it is in all of it’s original glory! 🙂

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

(more…)

5 / March / 2008  american, british, english  Comentarios (0)

Two English businessmen in London

From Gina:

Two English businessmen in London – were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

‘I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked

‘What are you selling’ here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

‘We’re selling arse-holes.’

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

‘You are doing well … Only two left!’

Englishmen – God bless them – should not mess with Irishmen

21 / February / 2008  english  Comentarios (0)