A letter from Home
From Ernie. This is almost the same as one I heard in Ireland titled "An Irish Mother's letter to her son". My apologies to Red Necks everywhere.
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read f a st. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be a ble to send you the a ddress because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine although I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, she said it looks just like you, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt daddy or an uncle daddy.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom
Cowen is my shepherd …
From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it's current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:
Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/
Medical Conditions …
A great one from Edel!
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.
Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."
English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"
Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."
Paddy Sex Jokes …
More bad Irish Jokes from Edel (and she's Irish too!):
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
Blacksmith?
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses.
He said no but he had told a donkey to f ** k off once.
Save Energy
And another one (with an Irish emphasis) from Edel:
A Chara,
Due to recent economic conditions, and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, we regret to announce that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
Regards,
Eamon Ryan
Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources
Irish whiskey
From Ilya:
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says,
"You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you."
The other gentleman replies,
"No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.
"Is everything alright?"
the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?"
replied the gentleman. The bartender said,
"Well, all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No, they're okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
Crisis as Dublin Floods
More from Edel! There's been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:
Finglas was hit badly by the floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering ' Whaas da bleeeding Story ?' 'aaaaaawright bud' and 'fuuuucksake'.
The flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.
Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
RTE News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.
One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said 'It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin'
Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos also Fine Bone China from Tommy's Wonderland of Value.
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
- Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
- Hoodies (any type)
- Tommy Hilfiger Tracks Suits (his and hers)
- Nike/Adidas Shell Suits (female)
- White Donnay Sports Socks Rockport Boots (and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx)
- Anything from Magic or Unique
- Food Parcels may be harder to come by as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the same.
Required Foodstuffs include:
- McCains Oven Chips
- Heinz Baked Beans
- Goodfellas Frozen Pizzas
- Coke/Fanta
- Strongbow Cider
- Smirnoff Ice
- John Player Blue 15s
And Remember That Your Cash Contribution Also Counts !!!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and Bookies slips
Just 5 euro buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
Only 6 euro will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.
Thank You Very Much For Your Help.
Irish ingenuity when it comes to women
And from Brendan:
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says "how you doin?"
Paddy says " do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says "your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you ".
They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"