Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million euro!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy’s chat up lines
From Edel:
- Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
- Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
- My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
- Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
- Your body reminds me of a spanner (wrench). Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
- You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
A great one from Edel:
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out
"YUV GOTTA BE FuKN' DEAD.........."
Cowen is my shepherd …
From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it's current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:
Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/
Medical Conditions …
A great one from Edel!
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.
Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."
English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"
Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."
Paddy Sex Jokes …
More bad Irish Jokes from Edel (and she's Irish too!):
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
Blacksmith?
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses.
He said no but he had told a donkey to f ** k off once.
Save Energy
And another one (with an Irish emphasis) from Edel:
A Chara,
Due to recent economic conditions, and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, we regret to announce that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
Regards,
Eamon Ryan
Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources