CEO of the Week
Another great joke from Ernie, I doubt if this really happened at Harley Davidson, but it's funny.
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On his first tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then took out his wallet, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT OF HERE and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? '
From across the room came a voice:
Cowen is my shepherd …
From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it's current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:
Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/
Medical Conditions …
A great one from Edel!
Three Doctors discussing their countries medical achievements.
Israeli doctor says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 6 months."
English doctor says "We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 5 months!"
Irish doctor says "We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dáil (Parilment) and the whole country was out looking for work in 3 months..."
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
And another from Ernie!
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
Calling in sick
From Norm:
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
Government Job
Harry Peters went to the Australian Tax Office for a job interview.
The interviewer looks at his resume and asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."
"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."