Police Stop
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
What’s in a name?
Thanks Ernie, another great funny one:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy..'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner.
Alcohol
From Ernie:
Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Group therapy
Is Ernie the only person who get's e-mailed jokes? Anyway, where another great joke from Ernie:
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
Will I Live to be 80?
From Gina:
Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He then looked at me and asked,
"Then why do you give a shit?
Four Worms and a lesson
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'