Wine …
Wine does not make you FAT
it makes you LEAN………….. Continue Reading »
The Lady is a Tramp
From Ernie:
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
The Power of Alcohol
From Ernie:
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!”
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!”
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
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Alcohol
From Ernie:
Alcohol does not make you FAT – it makes you LEAN …. against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Paddy went travelling
And a few more from Edel about Paddy travelling:
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!’
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/16/paddy-went-travelling/
One Bad Biker
And more from Ernie!
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans over one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, go home, you’re drunk!”
Jesus goes into a bar
Here’s a bit of a sacrilegious one from Edel. It’s a very Irish themed joke, to really get the punchline you have to know that Tallaght is a working class suburb of Dublin.
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.
An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They’re staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’
Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God, the arthritis I’ve had for thirty years is gone. It’s a miracle!’
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Strewth mate, the back pain I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle.’
Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.
‘What’s wrong?’ says Jesus.
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Pastor
From Ilya:
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked,
“May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied,
“I really don’t think you should.”
The pastor asked,
“Why not? I really need to use a restroom!”
“Well, I don’t think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she’s only covered by a fig leaf!”
The pastor replied,
“Nonsense, I’ll look the other way!”
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said,
“Sir, I don’t understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again.”
“Well, now you’re one of us!”
said the bartender.
“Would you like a drink too?”
“But, I still don’t understand,”
said the puzzled pastor.
“You see,”
laughed the bartender,
“every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?”
Irish whiskey
From Ilya:
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says,
“You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.”
The other gentleman replies,
“No, I prefer it this way. See, I’m very close to my two brothers. They’re both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.”
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He’s gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.
“Is everything alright?”
the bartender asked.
“What do you mean?”
replied the gentleman. The bartender said,
“Well, all these months you’ve ordered three drinks. Now you’ve only ordered two. Something didn’t happen to one of your brothers, did it?”
“No, they’re okay. It’s just that I quit drinking.”
Drinking rules
And from Ilya, all about the rules of the pub:
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.