Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! 🙂 And Edel sent it too!
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Tag: irish
Categories
Bertie’s Swan Song!
And a great one from Gina, and you might need to be Irish and know about Bertie to get this one:
I was petrified
Kept thinking Mahon would find out
About my takings on the side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how I got it wrong
But I grew strong
When I learned how to play along
But then the banks
Those fecking gays
They went and showed the jaysis court
That I got cash from the UK
I shouldn’t have lodged that bloody sterling
I could’ve spent it on me holidays
If I had known for just one second
All the questions it would raise
So off I go, I’ll walk out the door
I’ll go to ground now
‘Cause I’m not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the ones who said it’s time to say goodbye?
Health service crumbled
Property market died
Oh no! Now I
I will resign
Now the shit has hit the fan
And the country’s in decline
I’ve done my share of theft
And no credibility left
So I’ll resign
I will resign
It took all the guile I had
To look the injured part
Keep trying to pretend
The public broke my heart
And I spend oh so many nights
Just looking sorry for myself
But I’m good at lyin’
Inside I’m laughing all the time
And you’ll soon see me
Somebody new
I’ll get my government pension
Hey I’m not done with screwing you
I know how to milk the state
I learned all yer tricks, Haughey
Now I’m saving all my backhanders
For an island off Kerry
Ho ho! Now I
I will resign
And I’ll get three hundred grand
Instead of doing any time
I’ve got an easy life to live
Two fu*ks I couldn’t give
About your cryin’
When I resign…
And a funny one from Peter! Not sure if this is really, for real, or even in Ireland, the lighthouse doesn’t look like the style of lighthouse in Ireland. And the photograph looks kinda doctored, as the rocks and cliffs look very clear, but the rest of the island looks blurry.
Read text first!
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see Attached photo….. (scroll down to the next page)
Wait for it…..
This is good…….
And from Danny, one about an Irish doctor and his assistant. Obviously, not a joke from Ireland, as few people there go hunting, and they’d be called knickers or underwear not Panties!
A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.
Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,” he says. “I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks,
“So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?” asks the doctor?
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this.
And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table.
She spreads her legs and shouts, “Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!”
“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asked the doctor.
“I put some drops in her eyes.”
And a few more from Ciaran Mc for Saint Patrick’s Day:
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
————
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
————
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looke d in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’
Flynn said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Mary said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Ciaran’s on a roll!
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’
——
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
More from Ciaran Mc:
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
And from Ciaran Mc a whole bunch of wans just for St Paddy’s Day:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
From Gina:
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Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.
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At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert’s…NOT 11 plus’, GCSE or A-levels!
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We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.
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Our car licence plates are like
eg: “06-DL-1234” and NOT “YIBA 7HA99”
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Contrary to what some Dub’s think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.
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We DO get TV3.
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We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!
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Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.
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“Aye”,”wee”,”staysh”,”yon” are all perfectly good forms of the English language.
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Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either) and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!
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There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly.
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Dunfanaghy is pronounced “Dun fan a hee”, NOT “Dun fonn a gee!”
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Ardara is pronounced “Ard Ra” NOT “Are Dara!”
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We dont’ not shag sheep and ride our cousins…. bar Glenswilly.
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So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.
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MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.
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Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.
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Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.
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Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!
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We gave the world Daniel O’Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid’s Football Special drink….what has your county done!!!