From Ernie:
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
“My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Gary Bauer and Neil Cavuto.”
If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it’s current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:
Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.
He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/
From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about ‘gators! 🙂
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase
I tend to stay away from political jokes but I thought this was a funny one from Ernie:
Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice.
The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.
The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.
They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.
Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”
She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard.
She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:
“Palin Can’t Swim.”
A funny ironic one from Diz:
Great photo-shopping job whomever created this! 🙂 Anyone know where the original image came from?
I forget who sent me this one:
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies’ sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
He makest me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt:
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his
administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever
And from Tom R:
And a great one from Gina, and you might need to be Irish and know about Bertie to get this one:
I was petrified
Kept thinking Mahon would find out
About my takings on the side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how I got it wrong
But I grew strong
When I learned how to play along
But then the banks
Those fecking gays
They went and showed the jaysis court
That I got cash from the UK
I shouldn’t have lodged that bloody sterling
I could’ve spent it on me holidays
If I had known for just one second
All the questions it would raise
So off I go, I’ll walk out the door
I’ll go to ground now
‘Cause I’m not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the ones who said it’s time to say goodbye?
Health service crumbled
Property market died
Oh no! Now I
I will resign
Now the shit has hit the fan
And the country’s in decline
I’ve done my share of theft
And no credibility left
So I’ll resign
I will resign
It took all the guile I had
To look the injured part
Keep trying to pretend
The public broke my heart
And I spend oh so many nights
Just looking sorry for myself
But I’m good at lyin’
Inside I’m laughing all the time
And you’ll soon see me
Somebody new
I’ll get my government pension
Hey I’m not done with screwing you
I know how to milk the state
I learned all yer tricks, Haughey
Now I’m saving all my backhanders
For an island off Kerry
Ho ho! Now I
I will resign
And I’ll get three hundred grand
Instead of doing any time
I’ve got an easy life to live
Two fu*ks I couldn’t give
About your cryin’
When I resign…
This one’s from Ernie, he sure does like his political jokes:
Non-partisan? Politically correct? We’ll see!:)
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Ă‚Â “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
Ă‚Â “Well, I’d like to, but IĂ‚Â have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spendĂ‚Â eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,”Ă‚Â says the senator.
Ă‚Â “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
EveryoneĂ‚Â gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevatorĂ‚Â rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
Ă‚Â “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
Ă‚Â “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell andĂ‚Â another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
Ă‚Â “Well, I would never have said itĂ‚Â before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors ofĂ‚Â the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered withĂ‚Â waste andĂ‚Â garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
Ă‚Â “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a greatĂ‚Â time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,