Category: politics

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politics religion

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London

From Ernie:

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before take-off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the rabbi, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one, too.’

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

‘Why does it have to be this way?

‘How long must this go on?

‘This fighting between our nations?

‘This hatred?

‘This animosity?

‘This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?’

Categories
american politics

Doctors advice on constipation.

From Ernie:

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

“My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Gary Bauer and Neil Cavuto.”

If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Categories
american kids money old politics

Washington …

From Dora:

A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to:

God, USA

They decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy …

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Categories
irish politics work

Cowen is my shepherd …

From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it’s current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:

Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.

He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/

Categories
american marriage politics

Hillary & Kiss

Keep your eyes on Bill

Sorry, Bill, I’d rather kiss my new boss!

Hillary & Kiss

Funny indeed! But if you look closely it looks like this video was edited by someone to make it look like this happened.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/05/hillary-kiss

Categories
american family politics priest

The Preacher’s Son

And another great one from Ernie:

An old  country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many  young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he  didn’t seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

  • a Bible
  • a silver dollar
  • a bottle of whiskey
  • a Playboy magazine

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself.  “When he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.  If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!  If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.  But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be
a skirt-chasin’ bum.”
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered . . .
“He’s gonna run for Congress!”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/21/the-preachers-son

Categories
american animals politics

Two Crocodiles …

From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about ‘gators! 🙂

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’

‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’

‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.

‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’

‘Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.’

‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’

‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’

‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

Categories
american naked politics religion

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

And another slightly political, but guaranteed to insult many, joke from Ernie!

How to save the Airlines:

Dump the male flight attendants No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party
atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/17/how-to-save-the-airlineshow-to-save-the-airlines/

Categories
american old politics

You betcha don’t ya know!

Tom likes his political jokes!

Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is  going to show there is no animosity about losing the election.
She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip.
She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt  party.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/05/you-betcha-dont-ya-know

Categories
american politics religion

Sarah Palin Meets the Pope …

I tend to stay away from political jokes but I thought this was a funny one from Ernie:

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice.

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.

They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard.

She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

“Palin Can’t Swim.”