Two little old ladies
From Ernie:
Two little old Ladies were attending a church service.
One leaded over and whispered:
"My butt's gone to sleep".
"I know" replied her companion,
"I heard it snore three times".
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
From Ernie:
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
From Ernie:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
My wife asked me to send this out – for your information
Another great one from Ernie!
Theif Warning!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by Black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few Years ago. I went to sleep and woke up With someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire Summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from You?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to Women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!
Quiz Show Fail!
From Edel! Epic fail bad answers to questions asked on (mainly British) TV and Radio quizzes. To get some of these, you'll need to be British, or understand British culture. To get some of the others, you'll need to know a bit of general knowledge! 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . .. . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with "What A Wonderful World"?
Contestant: I don't know..
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
And another great one from Ernie! And I tink it will make you smile.
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Buying a Fishing Rod
From Ernie:
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, " Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything youneed to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'lltake it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh ,that sounds like a Visa card," says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44?. How did you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50." he replys.
Dad at the Mall …
The version of this I heard as a kid, involved Grand-dad on a bus, a punk, and the punchline had a parrot ... anyways thanks to Diane for the joke!
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son ...