Thanks to Ernie for this great joke!
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.
An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.
'What's wrong?' says Jesus.
More from Edel! There's been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:
Finglas was hit badly by the floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering ' Whaas da bleeeding Story ?' 'aaaaaawright bud' and 'fuuuucksake'.
The flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.
Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
RTE News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.
One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said 'It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin'
Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos also Fine Bone China from Tommy's Wonderland of Value.
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
- Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
- Hoodies (any type)
- Tommy Hilfiger Tracks Suits (his and hers)
- Nike/Adidas Shell Suits (female)
- White Donnay Sports Socks Rockport Boots (and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx)
- Anything from Magic or Unique
- Food Parcels may be harder to come by as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the same.
Required Foodstuffs include:
- McCains Oven Chips
- Heinz Baked Beans
- Goodfellas Frozen Pizzas
- Strongbow Cider
- Smirnoff Ice
- John Player Blue 15s
And Remember That Your Cash Contribution Also Counts !!!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and Bookies slips
Just 5 euro buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
Only 6 euro will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.
Thank You Very Much For Your Help.
As it's March the 1st and we're approaching Saint Patrick's Day (and the abberviation of Patrick is Paddy not Patty), time for some Irish jokes!
From a friend of Trish's:
(Supposed) Actual Personal Ads in Dublin, Ireland:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic football club, and has been known to starting fights on Patrick street at 3 am.
bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 yr. old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27th, between 8:00 pm and 11:30 pm.
optimistic mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 yr. old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.