One from Ilya.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little ’tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ’just the cutest thingl' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know)
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied,
"I really don't think you should."
The pastor asked,
"Why not? I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
The pastor replied,
"Nonsense, I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said,
"Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!"
said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand,"
said the puzzled pastor.
laughed the bartender,
"every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says,
"You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you."
The other gentleman replies,
"No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.
"Is everything alright?"
the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?"
replied the gentleman. The bartender said,
"Well, all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No, they're okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1990's?
A: In the 90's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly,
"I'd like some condoms"
And then, leaning over the counter, whispers,