NorDakotaCows
Another from Ernie!
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says,
'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies,
'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says,
'My wife is from Nordakota'
Two Crocodiles …
From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about 'gators! 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase
158 years ago…
From Ernie:
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
- California became a state.
- The State had no electricity.
- The State had no money.
- Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
- There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn't hold hands.
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?
And another slightly political, but guaranteed to insult many, joke from Ernie!
How to save the Airlines:
Dump the male flight attendants No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/17/how-to-save-the-airlineshow-to-save-the-airlines/
You betcha don’t ya know!
Tom likes his political jokes!
Now that the election is over I hear that Sarah Palin is going to show there is no animosity about losing the election.
She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip.
She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt party.
http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/05/you-betcha-dont-ya-know
Thanksgiving
From Gina:
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
PREGNANT TURKEY STORY
I was away over Thanksgiving and missed all the Thanksgiving jokes that! So better late than never, here the first Thanksgiving joke from, who else but Ernie!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!
'At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................
SHE'S BLONDE!
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Ernie keeps rolling them out:
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
And a funny one from Diane, but what I want to know, is who has Chicken for Thanksgiving?
IT'S SO EASY. PERFECT FOR THANKSGIVING
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try:
- 4-5 lb Chicken
- 1 cup melted butter
- 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
- 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
- Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 Brush chicken well with melted butter , salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook...