Categories
american kids money old politics

Washington …

From Dora:

A little boy wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to:

God, USA

They decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy …

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Categories
funny

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

From Ernie:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Categories
animals british video

Mutton Art!

Via Kevin, and some smart lads, some sheep, and some talented sheepdogs:

Categories
american funny irish

Happy Saint Patricks Day

And the best version of Danny Boy ever:

Categories
irish politics work

Cowen is my shepherd …

From Edel! You need to know a wee bit about Irish politics to get this one, but basically it’s current Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Brian Cowen, for the economic problems:

Cowen is my shepherd, I shall not work. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in Fine Gael.

He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Cowen has anointed my income with taxes, my expense runneth over my income, surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From hence fort we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am Irish, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog, and Cowen was a tree.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/03/09/cowen-is-my-shepherd/

Categories
animals Australian money

Colin and the croc

Our first joke from Sean G. (via Facebook):

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Colin, the only Aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ. At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15 ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then’ ‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
Again, Colin said no..

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Continue reading “Colin and the croc”
Categories
funny

My wife asked me to send this out – for your information

Another great one from Ernie!

Theif Warning!
You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by Black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few Years ago. I went to sleep and woke up With someone else’s thighs.

It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire Summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary – my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those ‘plastic’ surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something ‘lifted’, look again – was it lifted from You?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to Women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!

Categories
food men sex women

The Black Bra

From Ernie:

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said.

“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/19/the-black-bra

Categories
british funny Real

Quiz Show Fail!

From Edel! Epic fail bad answers to questions asked on (mainly British) TV and Radio quizzes. To get some of these, you’ll need to be British, or understand British culture. To get some of the others, you’ll need to know a bit of general knowledge! 😉

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . .. . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with “What A Wonderful World”?
Contestant: I don’t know..
White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Continue reading “Quiz Show Fail!”
Categories
car religion

The Pope & The Limo

From Ernie:

After putting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel lightly), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today..’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision because, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

Continue reading “The Pope & The Limo”